It’s been a year to the day since I met him at a French coffee shop on Hawthorne and handed off a hasty birthday gift. I brought oddly flavored M&M’s and suggested we share them, try them together. My mouth dry, from nervousness. Just asking for something so previously mundane to us made my teeth clink together like they were made of glass. My smile hesitant and too wide, unsure he would even consider the request.
Read MoreI deceive myself so easily. I promise myself that I’m absolutely, resolutely fine. I tell myself all I need is to start a new routine. I hold myself up on these stilts of fragile smiles and over-enthusiastic nods. I’m brittle and always off balance.
Read MoreThere was a time when I knew how he’d answer almost any question. There was a time when I felt his devotion so secure I joked about it. There was a time when all my personal aspirations felt selfish.
Read MoreI was twisted up, like a rag being wrung out. I leaked and leaked for days and then weeks and then a month. Tears, choking sobs, hopes, visions of what might be, and plans for the forthcoming months, it all ebbed out of me. It flowed into every corner of my life.
Read More