This is the bit I regret the most

There was a time when I knew how he’d answer almost any question. There was a time when I felt his devotion so secure I joked about it. There was a time when all my personal aspirations felt selfish. 

“tumbling down”

These things were the pillars of our relationship. Predictability, forever promises, and self-sacrifice cemented us together, made me feel safe and cozy. In retrospect I should have realized they were all hollow. That these tenets would crumble easily and send us tumbling down. 

“kicking the air out of me”

When we started to fall I spent three awful months grasping for something to hold onto. From moment to moment I found myself jumping between hopefulness and despair. Each day brought a new type of weariness. This was loss and the unknown kicking the air out of me. Instead of running and hiding I tried to compromise with the forthcoming loss. 

“using my self sacrifice as a multiplier”

I made outlandish gestures and lofty speeches about my unwavering faith in us to anyone that would listen. I promised to send away the only comforts I had at the moment for a chance that we might both agree there was a future with an us in it. I put on a happy face and sang a ludicrous song free of any mention of our problems. I dressed myself up, made myself fresh and cute if there was even the slightest chance I would see him. All these things were a complicated math equation in my head of how to win back the devotion and predictability using my self sacrifice as a multiplier. 

Each effort brought me a fresh breeze of hope that this would put us back together. I'd tally the results each time imagining I'd found another piece, some ground gained. What I didn’t realize was there wasn’t an us any more, he was already gone, and I was simply singing loudly into the absence. The echoes of my quavering voice so deafening they altered the reality before me, made me mistrust my instincts and overlook his deceits.